Goodbye
by Sarah501B
Summary: E/O one-shot turned to story. What if Jenna killed Elliot instead? WARNING: Suggested self-injury and self-medication. CHAPTER 19 IS UP!
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N: Just a small one-shot! I can make it a full story if you like it and want me to, though. Just let me know. I hope you guys like it and I'll already warn you, this one is very, very sad.  
I do not own the characters or Law & Order SVU.**_

Olivia felt numb. She had just woken up from another nightmare, screaming. It had just been a bad dream, but it didn't really make any difference: she was living her worst nightmare while she was wide awake.

She had lost him. Her partner, her best friend, her loved one, her lover. She had lost him and there was nothing she could do about it.

It had been just two or three days ago, but Olivia was no longer able to say precisely how many times she thought of putting an end to her pain the easiest way during this short time. She just wanted to be with him again and she wanted it so bad...

Although she wanted it, she couldn't. He had asked her, begged her, to be strong. It had been his last wish and she couldn't just turn her back to it.

- _EL! – She almost jumped to her knees next to him after Jenna had been stopped. – No, no, no, no, no...No! NO!_

_Olivia could hear someone calling 911 but it was barely a whisper. The whole deafening noise was actually inside her head._

_- Liv, I..._

_- Shh, El, stay with me, okay. Just stay with me baby, you're gonna be just fine. You're gonna be fine – her voice was barely a whisper now. – No..._

_- I love you, Liv._

_- I love you, too, El, love you now and forever, just look at me, El... – She pleaded while the whole squad watched them, shocked. – Stay with me... Please, don't die... – She whispered, putting their foreheads against each other's._

Elliot had been shot on his left lung. There was a ridiculously small chance that he would make it, but Olivia was sure that the only reason the doctors had given him such a slim chance was because they didn't want to say that Elliot could die at any moment. Not in front of his kids, anyway.

Oh my _God_.

The kids.

Since they have been through a friendly divorce, Elliot and Kathy had managed a joint custody. Elliot and Olivia were living together since Eli's birth, when Elliot left his family's house for good, after being completely sure that not even a baby could save his relationship with Kathy. Elliot and Olivia had been dating for a while before this, but when they found out Kathy was pregnant Olivia let him free to try it again for the sake of his son. But once again he chose her and they were living happily ever after and safe: all SVU detectives, as well as Cragen, had chosen to lie blatantly to IAB for them.

The kids were something else. They weren't exactly satisfied with the divorce at first, but then they realized it was the best for their parents, they were okay with it, and went wild when they found out that Olivia was daddy's new girlfriend. They were crazy about her, and they already saw Olivia as their mother as well. With Elliot's death, though, the law demanded they stayed with Kathy full time. There was no other way, not even if Liz Donnelly was the judge and Kathy herself asked for a custody agreement.

This was going to hurt so much more than Olivia had first thought.

The squad room was dead silent, as if not only Elliot, but all of the detectives were now buried seven feet under the ground, and Olivia couldn't stand it. She walked outside and didn't really see where she was going, until she found herself outside Elliot's church in Glen Oaks. Wow. She looked at her watch: an hour and a half had passed since she left the stationhouse. Olivia sighed, walked into the church and bent down behind one bench.

She closed her eyes and, at the same time, wished that Elliot could and couldn't hear her; he wouldn't be pride of her and would want to stop her, no matter what it cost.

"El... I'm so sorry. I'm just not strong enough, and all I want is to be with you again. I hope that when we're together again you still love me", she prayed. Then she got up, and left, got into a cab and headed home to Upper West Side.

Once inside her apartment, she went to the kitchen and opened the first drawer.

"I love you, El. Please, forgive me", she prayed again, and grabbed a knife out of the drawer.

_**A/N: I've never been to NY, so I'm not even sure if you can walk from the precinct to Glen Oaks, and how long it takes if you can. Sorry if it sounds unrealistic.**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N: I'm touched! When I started writing this I sure as hell didn't expect such a positive comeback. I didn't even think I would be asked to go on with it, actually, so I had nothing prepared, but I'm really glad everyone seemed to enjoy the story, thank you for your kind words! So here it goes... The speech in italics is a dream, bold is the other person on a phone call.  
I do not own Law & Order SVU and/or its characters.**_

* * *

_- Liv... How could you? – He didn't seem angry at all, just very sad._

_- I'm sorry... I just wanted to be with you again, I felt abandoned... But I see it didn't work – she sighed._

_- How come?_

_- I'm with you, now. If I had made things right I would be in hell._

_- I thought you didn't believe such things – he gave her a small smile._

_- I don't, but you do._

_- This doesn't mean anything – everything started to fade. – I will always be with you... Always._

- NO! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME! - Olivia sat up on the bed, screaming.

- Shh, Liv, Liv, it's okay, you're okay, you're safe... – Fin held her.

- Fin, what... Why am I here? What happened? – Even though she knew the answer, she hoped he would tell her that everything had just been a bad dream and Elliot was on his way bringing the kids with him.

- You, I... I went to your apartment – Fin suddenly seemed embarrassed –I knew you had headed home so when you didn't answer I put your door down... But don't worry, CSU has already worked that out – he added when Olivia's eyes grew wide. – I found you lying on your couch, surrounded by what seemed liters of your own blood: your wrists were cut... So I called a bus and they brought you here.

- Why did you do it? I wanted to die! – Olivia started crying hard. – I still do!

- Don't say such things, Liv – he said, softly.

- It's the truth! Why didn't Jenna shoot me instead? I have no family, no kids to come home to... I have nothing, I am nothing.

Fin wanted to stop her from saying these things, he wanted to tell her she was one hell of a woman, a strong cop and that she did have a family, but he didn't think he could choose the right words to make sure she wouldn't be any more hurt, so he just remained silent and hugged her.

A nurse who has coming down the hallway heard Olivia's desperation and went inside the bedroom to give her another tranquilizer dosage, and the detective fell asleep soon. After making sure Olivia wouldn't wake up for some hours, Fin took advantage of this time and went outside to make a phone call.

**- Cragen.**

- Cap, it's me. Where are you?

**- At the precinct, almost leaving. Why?**

- Then don't. I'm heading back, there's something you need to know. And call Huang.

**SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT SQUAD ROOM**

- She tried to kill herself? – The captain seemed extremely sad.

- She said she doesn't want to live, she wishes Jenna had shot her instead since she has no family, no one to come home to... I wanted to tell her it's not truth but I was afraid it would only hurt her more, so I just held her – he explained, worryingly.

- You did right, Fin – Huang calmed him. – At this moment Olivia needs no denial, just support.

- But doc, she can't keep thinking such things, she can't believe that we agree with what she's saying – Don said.

- I agree with you, Don, but right now she's grieving for Elliot and she won't listen to anyone. If you say it's not her fault and tell her she has people to live for she may think you mean that Elliot didn't deserve to live which is also a lie. Sometimes she may believe this is a trick, she may behave like he's alive and as he could walk through that door at any moment...

- She's in denial – Munch realized.

- Yes, John.

- And what can we do to help her? – Don asked.

- Actions. Let her know you're here for her, but show it instead of saying. Words can be easily misunderstood; actions, not that much. Offer to drive her home every now and then, pay a visit when she gets a day off... She may be resistant at first, she might even behave rude, but don't give up. She's strong and she may not admit she needs help, but she does. She will only allow herself to break apart when she feels completely supported.

- What about a psychiatrist, psychologist...? – John suggested, worried.

- It's usually mistake number one. Even if the doctor bonds with her, and believe me, we usually do, Olivia must open up to someone she knows first. She is probably feeling lonely since she lost her partner, best friend and lover; if you make her talk to someone she doesn't even know she will only get worse. She will feel like you all turned your back on her and then there's no coming back – George explained. – I would talk to her myself, but I have feelings attached to all of you, this may affect my judgment as a psychiatrist.

- When you left the hospital, Fin, how was she?

- Sedated. She woke up screaming and crying and saying this stuff, so a nurse came and gave her some tranquilizers. The nurse said she'll be asleep for a few more hours.

- What if we all paid her a visit?

- It will do no harm, but she may feel ashamed of what she's done and close up. But I'd say we could all take that risk.

- So here we go – Don said, and they all got ready and left.

* * *

_**A/N: Just a small one to thank you for your great support! Until the next update, take time to check my other stories if you want to! :D**_


	3. Chapter 3

_**A/N: I'm so glad you guys are enjoying the story so far! Thank you for your support!  
I do not own Law & Order SVU or its characters. But I do own this story.**_

* * *

**MERCY GENERAL HOSPITAL**

- Excuse me, Miss – Cragen showed his badge to the receptionist. – We're here to see Olivia Benson.

- Benson... Benson... – The receptionist said while looking in the computer. – Oh, here it is. Room 394. Last time she was checked she was still sedated, I'll send a nurse to be sure. Meanwhile, I'll call her doctor, if you can please wait – the receptionist smiled.

- I think Liv's doctor is a shrink – George said, and the three men just looked at him. – She put her own life in danger, there is a doctor taking care of her wounds, giving her painkillers and stuff, but the one to talk to us is probably a shrink.

- Doc, I was here the whole time she was awake, there's no way a shrink could have talked to her – Fin said.

- He's going to shrink her through us – George explained.

- How? – Don asked.

George didn't need to give an answer.

- The family of Olivia Benson?

- That's us – Don raised his hand.

- Hi – the doctor smiled, approaching –, my name is Jessica Crais and I'm taking care of Ms. Benson. Is any of you, uh... – She took a look at her papers. – Elliot Stabler?

- He's... uh... Not available at this moment – Cragen answered, and sighed. Elliot was Olivia's next of kin since Serena's death and they hadn't thought of changing it yet. – But I believe I'm the next in line: Donald Cragen...

- Oh, yes, you are – the doctor said, checking the information. – So, Mr. Cragen... Has Olivia been through any traumatic experiences recently?

- Yes. A couple days ago she lost her partner at work who was also her best friend and her boyfriend.

- But she'll recover, right? – Fin asked feeling a little scared. – There was a lot of blood on the scene...

- ... But she will recover completely – doctor Crais finished Fin's sentence. – No physical damage aside from the scars, which will heal and may even disappear as time goes by. The saline drip will make sure she gets back all the vitamins she lost and as for the blood itself, water, juice, liquids in general will do it. No alcohol.

- Okay, I think we can take care of that – Don said.

- Doctor, you said she won't have any permanent physical damage – George started, unsure of how to put it in words. – But what about... What about her state of mind?

- Well, Mister...?

- Huang.

- Well, Mr. Huang, I haven't had the opportunity to talk to her yet and I was hoping any of you could give me a heads up on what could have led her to this situation; since you said her boyfriend who happened to be also her best friend died a few days ago I think I'll be able to go through it without causing too much pain.

- Do you mind if we talk to her first?

- No, not at all, but, why is that?

- It's because she's a cop, she thinks she's never supposed to be broken and she is probably scared out of her mind that she got into such situation. As her friends, we can make sure that she knows we don't think she is weak in any way, and this may have her open up with you a lot more easily.

- Fine. Just a question... Are you a psychiatrist?

- FBI agent doctor George Huang, at your service – Huang answered, with a smile.

- Oh, it's always nice to meet professional colleagues. So you guys are all from FBI?

- No – Don answered. – Special Victims Unit.

- Oh _that's_ why her name sounded so familiar! She has helped dozens of victims through rape kits and we've heard so many people on these rooms and hallways talking about what a hero Detective Benson is. I'm glad that I finally have the chance to meet her, but I also feel bad that the reason is an attempted suicide.

- Doctor Crais? – The receptionist called.

- Yes, sweetie?

- The patient on room 394 is awake now.

Doctor Crais thanked the receptionist and smiled at the four men in front of her.

- Do you want me to come with you to the room? I won't go inside, I'll just walk you there. I have to see another patient in a near room.

They agreed and started walking towards Olivia's room, Huang and Crais talking a lot about psychiatry – the woman said she wanted to join the police someday and because of that they had a lot to talk about. As soon as they got to Olivia's room, doctor Crais left them and moved on, and Cragen knocked on the door.

- Come in – Olivia said from inside in a very weak voice.


	4. Chapter 4

_**A/N: Thank you for the reviews! I'm so sorry for the delay in updating, guys; as the ones of you who also read It's A Love Story already know, my mommy went through a surgery two weeks ago and since I'm on vacation I was assigned as her "home nurse" during her license from work. Good news is, next week everything will be back to normal!**_

* * *

Don was the first to enter the room, quickly followed by Fin, Munch and George. Olivia kept staring at the blanket covering her legs as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. She was terribly ashamed of being so weak and didn't feel like facing her friends or her captain.

- Hello, Liv – Don said very softly and gave her a small smile.

- Hi, Cap – she tilted her head slightly so she could look at all of them only by moving her eyes.

- Hey, Baby Girl.

- Fin – she couldn't help letting out a weak smile. – Can't believe you really are still here.

- I promised you I would, didn't I?

- Hi, Liv – George greeted her.

- Hi, George. John – Munch nodded in answer.

And then they fell silent. After a few minutes, Don opened his mouth to tell Liv they were going to take her out of the hospital temporarily for the funeral, but John was faster.

- We're right here, Liv – he said. – We're right here, and we're not going anywhere.

- Yeah, we got you – Fin added.

That was enough. Olivia let out cracked sobs, crying very hard.

- I-I-I t-tried s-s-so hard... To be strong... B-but I can't... I can't!

- Liv, it's okay – George said trying to calm her down. – Everything happened very recently. You're not weak.

- T-t-then why...

- You're suffering, Liv. You've been through a lot – Don said softly. – All of us have, but not only Elliot was your partner, he was also your best friend and boyfriend. It's normal that things get hard.

- B-but you didn't...

- You love him – George said. – We all do, but we could never feel the same as you. Not for Elliot.

- W-w-what are you s-s-s-saying? – Her voice sounded rather dangerous.

- He is yours, Liv. We love him because he was our friend, he has been for a long time, but you are the one who could make him leave everything he knew and follow you into the unknown, and still be the happiest man ever. He could also make you put everything you ever knew behind yourself and follow him wherever he headed, and you'd still be happy as long as you were together. He was your north, and you were his as well. With him... – he hesitated. – Gone... You probably feel lost.

Olivia got quiet, George's words sinking into her. She was still crying a lot, but she seemed like she started to understand what the doctor was saying. He was right – she would go to Hell with and for Elliot and she would still be happy they were together, and now she felt _so goddamn lost_. But she knew she was not alone and she was not the only one suffering around here.

- Liv, I know this is hard, but... – Don sighed. – I'm going to talk to your doctor, see if you can leave the hospital for a few hours tomorrow... So you can go to the funeral.

- The funeral?

- Yes. As his partner, as a police officer, and as his... Girlfriend.

Don had hesitated, as if he knew something the other detectives didn't, and the fact didn't escape from Huang, but the shrink pushed it aside – he had other concerns at this moment. Olivia sighed.

- I can't.

- How come? – Don thought of a reason, but he prayed he was wrong.

- I can't... The kids, I haven't... I can't.

- Do you think his kids will blame you? – George asked.

- Maybe. Who knows? I found someone to blame when my mother died.

- You _had_ someone to blame, Olivia. You had someone _and_ something to carry the guilt of your mother's death and you knew you were right – Don said. – Elliot's kids know you would do everything in your power to save him and they also know the risks of being a cop.

- It was my duty to protect him. He saved me when I was at my worst and I just...

- Liv, Jenna was shooting in random directions – Munch said softly. – There was no way you could ever predict her movements.

Nobody showed it, but all of them were slightly surprised that John was actually letting his feelings come to surface. Huang, Fin and Cragen did know, however, that he was doing it to give Liv solace in whatever way he managed to.

Before Olivia could answer, someone knocked on the door and opened it.

- Olivia, hello. My name is Jessica Crais, I'm your doctor – she said getting inside the room. – How are you feeling?

- Terrible.

As soon as she heard the classic three words, "how are you feeling?", Olivia knew doctor Crais was a shrink and decided not to lie. Maybe she could get to go home as a bonus for being honest.

- Physically?

- No, I guess physically I'm okay.

- Uh, doctor – the captain interrupted the conversation. – We unfortunately have a funeral to attend tomorrow and it's really important that Olivia is also there... I don't want to force her but we're cops and it's procedure – he added, more as an explanation to Olivia than to the doctor. – If you could let her go only for a few hours, I promise we will bring her back safe and sound.

"Yeah, and all the more traumatized", Olivia thought. Funeral procedures sucked; she was going to be extremely shaken and not because Elliot and her were together in a way that wasn't allowed. Seeing your fallen partner was hard on any cop.

- Actually, Mr. Cragen, her cuts are not life-threatening and she feels physically fine so I'm gonna let her go for good – she turned to face Olivia. – But you have an appointment on Friday, and I have to ask you not to miss it.

- Check-up?

- Sort of. You're gonna see a friend of mine, specialized on PTSD.

- I'm not...

- I didn't say you were, Olivia – the doctor said softly. – But I'd really like to avoid it. Here, sign these papers and you're free to go – she handed Olivia a pen and a clipboard.


	5. Chapter 5

_**A/N: Thanks everyone who has reviewed, added the story to the favorites, started following it and/or me... I'm really glad. I never thought so many people would like this story (: By the way, if you thought this was a one-shot and that had you bored enough to be rude instead of just leaving, maybe you should pay attention to summaries when you read them. No offense intended.  
I do not own Law & Order SVU and its characters, but the storyline is mine.**_

* * *

Cragen had driven Olivia home and walked her upstairs. She ran to the kitchen as soon as she got inside her apartment and started looking into the cupboards while the captain closed the door. As soon as Don managed to get to the kitchen, he saw Olivia and immediately knew what she was looking for. He ran towards her, put his hand on her shoulder and squeezed it lightly. Olivia stopped what she was doing and looked at him.

- Liv. Don't.

She just stared at him, her eyes filled with tears.

- You don't know what I'm looking for.

- Yes, I do, Olivia. I do, because at this moment I feel like I could use not only one or two drinks, but a whole bottle. I know this is hard and I know how much you're suffering, but Liv, please don't do this.

- Why not? I _hurt_! I feel like my heart has been ripped away from my chest and whoever did it took no time in doing stitches and just let me bleeding and I don't want to feel like this anymore! So tell me, Don, why not?

- Because I know it, Olivia. I know you feel lost, I know you feel lonely and you just want it to go away... But drinking will only take the pain away for some time and then you'll keep getting worse instead of better and you'll drink more and more every time...

Olivia knew he was telling the truth. Don had been an alcoholic for a long time, and he had started after his wife, Marge, died. He had told her everything about it a few years ago. Not what he felt; he had only explained what happened, why and how it was. His feelings never came to subject. Realizing he was right, she closed the cupboard and put her arms down next to her body.

- About tomorrow... – she started as they walked towards the living room, his arm around her shoulders in a father manner.

- Liv, I'm sorry. I really wish I didn't have to put you through this but IAB insists...

- I know. I was just gonna ask what time I have to be there – she gave him a sad smile while they sat on the couch.

- The funeral is going to take place at our squad room beginning at 8:30 AM, and then in the afternoon there will be a procession to the cemetery – Olivia took a deep breath. – You, however need to be at the precinct at 8 to set up the candles, pictures and whatever else you want to. Again, I hate putting you through this but IAB...

- It's okay, Don – she said, softly. – I know. It's fine, it really is. I'll... Buy some stuff on my way there tomorrow morning.

- Already taken care of, Liv. You just come around and everything will be waiting for you. The only thing is, his kids are going to bring some family pictures and other things they prepared themselves. That's the only thing you need to worry about if you want to do the same.

Oh, yes, she did. She had some professional-looking pictures of her and Elliot, mostly cut from newspapers, taken by their paparazzi when there was a case in the media, which probably were the ones everyone from outside expected her to choose, but she had tons of romantic pictures, funny ones, a few of them were even kinda sexy... Those were the ones she was going to choose because they showed how her relationship with Elliot actually was: funny, romantic... Natural. She wasn't going to worry about hiding from IAB anymore: Elliot was... She had nothing to hide now. It's not like they could punish him somehow. He was above all of this now. Unreachable.

- Fine, I... I will, but tomorrow. Now I really fancy having some sleep.

They got up and walked to Olivia's bedroom. She picked an old NYPD shirt and sweatpants in her wardrobe and went to the bathroom to get changed and brush her teeth. When she got out, Cragen tucked her in, turned off the lights but let a lamp on, and waited until she was asleep to go away.

He was wrong. As soon as he left, Olivia, who didn't manage to get any sleep, felt suddenly very lonely.

_You're going to end up just like your mother._

"No, no, no...", she thought, desperate.

_Yes, you are. Now you want to get drunk in order to numb your pain. Soon, you'll be celebrating the close of a hard case in a cop bar, then somebody's birthday... Elliot would be so ashamed._

"No!"

_No wonder why he died instead of staying with you. He knows what you will become. It's in you, in your DNA, and he preferred dying than dealing with someone who tends to have drinking issues._

"No! Stop! STOP IT!"

_Who knows, maybe you will start raping men too._

"I'm not him. I'm not her either, Elliot said..."

_Oh, please, Olivia. He lied. Did you actually believe it? They're your PARENTS. And you know what people say..._

"You're being evil."

_No, honey, I'm being realistic, it's different. You know, your poor coworkers, they care about you now because the shrink says you're traumatized, but when they realize..._

"There's NOTHING for them to realize!"

_Oh, come on, Olivia. They already know that your mother was a drunk and that your father was a rapist. It's just a matter of time until they put it together._

"NO! No, Elliot... El said that this does not..."

_ELLIOT WAS SMARTER. He fooled you, he made you think that he loved you and that he believed you, and then he left while he still had time to do it. All this crap about "that doesn't determine who you are", of course it does, HE KNEW IT. He couldn't stand you anymore._

"What..."

_Well, you asked him not to leave, didn't you? "Baby, baby, come on, stay with me, El, come on...". That was pitiful. Pitiful and disgusting, just like you and your crappy life. Elliot acted like he loved you because he felt sorry._

- SHUT UP! – Olivia suddenly sat on the bed, grabbed whatever was one of those porcelain object laying on the nightstand and threw it on the wall. The object shattered against the wall and broke into pieces on the floor making a lot of noise.

Fortunately, Cragen had known better than going home. He came running from the living room, turned the lights back on and found Olivia crying very hard and sobbing. He sat on the bed and hugged her tight.

- Cap, I... I can't. Everyone knows it.

- Sweetie, everyone knows what?

- What I am! They know what I am and what I'll become... Fighting against it is useless... It's in me. It's who I am. Elliot... – she sobbed even harder. – Elliot... He knew it and that's why he left. He pitied me, he felt sorry about me that's why he said he loved me and wanted to help me, but he just couldn't take it anymore and left... I asked him to stay with me but he didn't want to... He'd rather die than keep helping me through all my crap. And you guys, you... – she was unable to go on.

- Oh, Liv – Don held her even tighter. – We love you more than you'll ever know and we're not going anywhere... Elliot, he loved you more than anyone could ever tell... Don't you ever dare to believe he left you... He had no choice... He loved you very deeply, don't you ever dare to believe otherwise, sweetie.

- I can't do this right now, Don...

- I know, Liv... Right now... I know.


	6. Chapter 6

_**A/N: Thanks everyone for the reviews, and I'm very sorry for the delay! Soooooooooo the funeral is here! Has everyone got the paper tissues in position? Oh God...  
I must say, I had a major writer's block on this one. I knew exactly how I wanted everything to happen but it seemed like I just couldn't find the words! I wanted it to be more than perfect, maybe that's why.  
I do not own Law & Order SVU or its characters.**_

* * *

The 16th precinct was even sadder than usual. All curtains had been closed in respect to Elliot, so the light coming inside enlightened the room in a different way, making it a little dark.

There was a picture in front of his casket turned towards the door, so that it was the first thing everyone saw as they entered the squad room. It was Elliot in his Marine uniform, holding his hat in his right arm and, even though he was serious, his eyes were shining – you could see he was extremely happy when the picture was taken.

Dozens of cops had come around to pay their respects: Detectives from Homicides, Robbery, Narcotics, Warrants, Bomb Squad, as well as IAB, CSU, Melinda and the team at the M.E.'s office, Morales and the Tech Squad, Arthur Branch, Casey and the team at the DA's office, Dana Lewis and a couple FBI agents, Judges Liz Donnelly, Lena Petrovsky and Lois Preston... And of course, Bernie, Kathy and the kids. Most of the people, though, were civilians – hundreds, if not thousands of them: victims, families of victims, admirers of NYPD and Marine Corps, and others who just passed by to say goodbye to one of the New York's Finest.

People came in and out of the squad room during all the morning. They were supposed to leave for the burial around 2 PM, but the funeral would be over around noon so everyone had time to have lunch, if they managed to put any piece of food inside their bodies, that is. Olivia knew she wouldn't.

Around 12:15 the precinct was empty except for Cragen, Tucker, the chief of D's, the detectives who actually worked there and Elliot's family. The doors had been locked and anyone who eventually came around to pay respects to the detective was invited to join the procession that was going to take place later. Olivia was sitting on the stairs looking numbly at the point where the wall met the floor when Tucker walked to her silently.

- Detective Benson – he started talking quietly –, I'm terribly sorry. I know that this might not be the best moment, but since your partner was no longer married, we would like you to take the flag when the procession starts – Olivia stared at him, shocked.

- I don't mean to be impolite, sir, but this really isn't the most proper moment. Besides, Elliot no longer had a wife but he had five children. I'm sure his older daughter, Maureen, will accept to take the flag.

- I know, Olivia – the use of her first name didn't go unnoticed by her –, but I talked to your captain and he said that Elliot would be very happy if you were the one to take it – he gave her a small, sad smile.

Olivia took a deep breath and extended her right arm.

- Fine. I'll take it.

Tucker handed her the folded red and white tissue and quickly left her alone again. She sighed, put it on a table nearby and went upstairs to the cribs. She knew she wouldn't be able to sleep, but maybe she could give her body some rest from this nightmare. She laid down on one of the cots and slowly dozed off without really noticing it, until she felt a hand caressing her hair.

Almost immediately, she started crying. Whenever a case hit hard on her, or even if she just needed to relax, they would sit on the couch, or on the bed, at her apartment – their apartment –, Olivia would lay her head down on Elliot's lap and he would caress her hair softly with his left hand, his right one on her waist, until she fell asleep. No words were needed.

Whoever was touching her hair stopped the motions and hugged her very tightly.

- It's okay, Liv, it's okay – she heard Dickie say in a soft voice, and tried to keep her emotions under control.

She was the one who was supposed to be hugging him and saying it was okay. Dickie was suffering too, he had lost his father, and what terrified Olivia the most was that she didn't know what to say to him. She never got the chance to actually bond with her father, not that she had any intention of doing it, so she couldn't lie to him and tell him she knew what he was feeling. Instead, she just took deep breaths and hugged him back. After several minutes, she finally stopped crying and Dickie let go of her.

- Liv... It's time to go – he said.

- Okay.

Olivia stood up, holding his hand, and they went downstairs to meet the rest of the group. She grabbed the flag that she had laid on a table earlier and was ready to go. Before they left, however, Olivia had a moment to herself next to Elliot, and as soon as she noticed it she took the opportunity to say goodbye to him properly.

- El, I... Oh, my God. I love you so, so much. I don't know how... – she sighed – I just wished I never had to live without you, my love. I already miss you terribly and I'm gonna miss you more everyday – she leant down and kissed his now cold lips.

Elliot looked peaceful, his eyes closed, as if he was asleep. She gave a small, sad smile at the sight and kissed him again.

- I love you – she said, touching his forehead. – And I will be with you again soon.

Cragen, Olivia, Munch and Fin, all dressed in their blues, were the firsts and walked right next to each other, the captain and Olivia in the middle, with John by Cragen's left and Fin by Olivia's right. Since the uniform they were wearing was formal, not the one the other cops used every day, Olivia's set also included, apart from the pants, a knee-length skirt which she was wearing. She knew Elliot loved when she wore dresses and skirts, so it was a kind of homage to him as well.

Right behind them were the Stabler kids, hand in hand, except for Eli who was on Maureen's arms. The walk itself was not the problem – Eli was always running around. But the cemetery was pretty far from the precinct, and she figured he would get tired, so she just picked him up and was supporting him wither body and her left arm. Behind the kids were Bernadette Stabler, Elliot's mother, who was crying silently, and Kathy, who had her left arm over the old lady's shoulders.

Six uniformed cops, three on each side, were taking Elliot's casket, which was now closed. When they finally left the building, thousands of civilians were waiting outside and joined the procession, walking behind the cops, followed by three police cars with their lights on, but no sirens. Three other police cars, also with lights on and sirens off, were going in front of the SVU team.

About an hour and half later, they got to the cemetery and to the Stabler family's tomb. There was a priest talking about Heaven, saying death is not the end and also telling what a great man Elliot was. Olivia recognized the priest to be Father Fryson, the priest at Elliot's church and a close friend of his. When he stopped talking and blessed the casket, she knew it was her turn.

Olivia stepped forward, holding her tears, unfolded the flag and laid it over Elliot's casket. Then she stepped back, raised her right arm and positioned her hand next to her head, the tip of her forefinger and middle finger touching slightly the side of her head. Cragen, Munch and Fin did the same and, as she watched the casket go down, memories ran through Olivia's head.

" – _I sure as hell wouldn't drive all the way from Queens to save your ass._

_(...)_

_- Olivia, it's me, I know the issues you had._

_(...)_

_- If you can't trust your partner, Elliot, it's time to get a new one._

_(...)_

_- Olivia! Oh my God, no, no!_

_- It's okay, I'm okay, I'm okay, where's Gitano? Go, Elliot! Go! I'm fine! Go! Go!_

_(...)_

_- What about me?_

_- Look, we both chose each other over this job. We can never let that happen again. Otherwise, we can't be partners._

_- I can't believe you're saying that._

_- You and this job are about the only things I've got anymore. I don't wanna wreck that. Can't take it._

_(...)_

_- I like that shirt._

_- What are you doing here?_

_- I heard what happened between you and Blaine._

_- What can I tell you? He's a prick – silence. He approached her. – Why didn't you tell me?_

_- Elliot, we've been partners for seven years, longer than anybody else here. We needed a change. I'm sorry. I should've talked to you. It's just... It's just too complicated._

_(...)_

_- Hey, who's Elliot?_

_- What?_

_- You've been mumbling the name 'Elliot' all night._

_(...)_

_- Kathy's pregnant._

_(...)_

_- They said I'm not an appropriate mother._

_- They're wrong._

_(...)_

_- What happened at the basement?_

_- Nothing. I'm fine, El._

_(...)_

_- Hi, I'm Elliot, this is my wife Olivia._

_(...)_

_- Do you Elliot Stabler take Olivia Benson as your lawfully wed wife?_

_- I do._

_- Do you Olivia Benson take Elliot Stabler as your lawfully wed husband?_

_- I do."_

The casket hit the ground.

* * *

_**A/N: SURPRISE SURPRISE! How 'bout that, huh?**_


	7. Chapter 7

_**A/N: Hi everyone! I take it from your reviews that you enjoyed the surprise? I wasn't sure whether I should do it or not as I wrote the previous chapters, but I figured I should just go for it and see where it went. I'm glad you liked it so far.  
We have a little problem. I might have mentioned it already, but my classes at college start tomorrow. Therefore, I won't be able to update my stories very frequently. Just warning.  
ladybugsmomma – no sweetie, they didn't, they put it down slowly as they usually do, when I said "hit" I meant it like "touched", but I wasn't sure this last one sounded properly... Sorry if the words got you confused.  
Oh, by the way, I do not own Law & Order SVU and its characters. Guess I need a job so I can buy them and make things right.**_

* * *

- So Olivia, how are you feeling today? – Doctor Crais asked politely.

- Bad. Are you gonna be insensitive enough to ask me why?

- No, of course not. I can imagine why and I strongly disbelief there's the tiniest chance that I'm wrong.

Olivia was surprised.

- Good.

- However, I do want to ask you Olivia, why did you cut your wrists?

"Pfft. It was too good to be true."

- Isn't that obvious? My... Elliot is dead! I wanted to die too.

- You did?

- Yeah – Olivia answered as if it was the most obvious thing. – Actually, I still do.

- But did you know that cutting your wrists is the least effective way of committing suicide?

- No – she answered truthfully. – But now that you mention it... Most rape victims who actually kill themselves O-D or shoot themselves.

- And when you cut your skin, it obviously hurt, but did it ease the pain in your heart even if it was the slightest bit?

- Sort of.

- I take that as a yes.

- Yes. But just a little. I almost couldn't tell the difference.

- Well, here's the thing, Olivia. Some psychiatrists believe that when a person cuts herself, the reason hardly ever is because they want to die. Most times all they want to is to feel a pain that hurts more than the pain in their hearts. Given what you experienced, do you think that makes sense?

- Yes.

- And do you think it's appropriate to apply this idea to your situation?

- Yeah, I do.

- Good. That's really good Olivia. So, uh... Tell me more about Elliot.

- What about him? He's been my partner for 12 years, he's my best friend, my confidant, my lover... He knows every detail about me and he makes me very happy.

Olivia's use of the present tense was unconscious, but didn't go unnoticed by the doctor, who decided to play along with it for now. When Olivia was ready to deal with what happened, she would use the proper verb tense.

- And how long have you been together? I mean, as a couple.

- On our eighth year of partnership, on the first week, I was assigned to go undercover in an FBI operation in Oregon. I stayed there for three months, the last of them investigating a rape case that accidentally ended up in my hands, and when I came back to New York I had to wait another month so Elliot's new partner could be reassigned and my spot would be open again. When I came back it felt... Weird, during our first case, nut we got over it quickly. After a tough case, he gave me a lift home; we went up to my apartment and kissed while watching a movie. We were on this for almost six months, when he told me his wife who had recently become his ex was pregnant.

- Did Elliot cheat on you?

- According to the timing, yes. I never asked and I don't feel that it's cheating, tough. There was this man who we first thought to be a CIA agent and the husband of a victim, but eventually it came out he was a narcissistic bigamist. Our victim was his soon-to-be wife. His first wife, however, found out about his other life and threatened to ask for the divorce. They had three kids. Then one night, the perp killed his wife and children, and faked and attempted suicide. Later we came to discover that he had killed them all, including the first victim who believed he was a CIA agent. The night when we discovered the kids' corpses, Elliot went to visit his children in Queens. That's everything he told me, probably because he knew it would hurt me, but I'm pretty sure that he slept with Kathy that night.

- Did you feel threatened?

- What, by the baby? – Olivia laughed bitterly – No... I mean, I always wanted a child of my own, but I know that when it's time, I'll become a mother.

- You weren't afraid that maybe coming back home made Elliot realize he still loved his wife?

- If that was the way things were supposed to be... What you need to understand, Jessica, is that Elliot and Kathy were married for twenty-two years. It took Elliot two years to finally sign the divorce papers. She was his first love and he was hers, they were everything the other one knew, she is the mother of his children... So they have a special connection. Yes, I was afraid of losing him as a lover, but I never felt Kathy or the kids were a threat. If they came back together, that meant my place in his life was as his partner on the job, and I would happily fulfill my obligation of sending him back home safe and sound every day.

- But you would be hurt.

- Sometimes things require sacrifices.

- You love him deeply – it was not a question.

"Genius", Olivia thought.

It was like the doctor could read her thoughts.

- I know it sounds kind of obvious to you, Olivia, but I am surprised because not everyone has the chance to feel for someone else what you and Elliot feel for each other. You'd put his happiness before yours even if it meant you getting hurt. I didn't think that kind of feeling even existed nowadays. You're both very lucky.

- Yea, I guess.

- So Elliot came back to his wife... And when the baby was born, what happened?

- Eli was born about a month premature. I was taking Kathy to an appointment with her OB-GYN and we had a car crash, a drunk driver crossed a red signal. Both Kathy and I passed out, but I came back to myself soon and called for help. The firefighters arrived quickly and started procedures to get Kathy out of the car. When we gave her a saline drip she woke up and said her water had broke. For a few moments all I could think was, "Oh, my God, this baby is going to be born inside my car but Kathy's legs are restrained, what if he dies?". Thankfully, the firefighters managed to get Kathy's legs free which destroyed what was left of the car but I didn't care; I knew Eli would be safe now. During our ride to Mercy, Kathy couldn't hold it any longer, and Eli was born in the ambulance. I cut his cord – Olivia smiled at the memory. – Elliot and Kathy tried, but they couldn't make their marriage work anymore. So in our tenth year as partners, Elliot left his wife for good and we've been together ever since.

- That's good. Well, honey, our time is up for today, but I'd like you to come back twice a week. Is Tuesday okay for you?

- Yes – Olivia suddenly remembered something. – Doctor?

- Yes?

- I thought you said you were bringing a friend today.

- Actually, I was, but I decided against it for now. Goodbye, Olivia – she smiled.

Olivia gave the littlest smile ever, waved and left. When she waved, doctor Crais spotted the diamond ring on Olivia's hand and lost her breath for a moment. What had these two done?

* * *

_**A/N: Okay, so maybe this was kinda boring, but I really wanted to put a chapter with Liv and the shrink right after the funeral. Liv was supposed to mention their marriage too, but I decided against it, it would be way too long of a chapter. Oh, and I'm not sure about the cutting the wrists thing, but I don't know of anybody who died just by cutting their wrists, and I read somewhere about easing the emotional pain. I just thought it made sense, I'm sorry if I got anything wrong. Up next: Liv finally talks to the kids!**_


	8. Chapter 8

_**A/N: So this took a lot longer than I expected and I am SO SO sorry about that, but too many things – such as law school and writer's block – got on the way. I don't think that's much of a problem, though – I believe most of you were out on summer vacation until some time ago. Anyway, I hope you guys like it, please read and review.  
I do not own Law & Order SVU or its characters.**_

* * *

Seven days after Elliot died, there was a mass on his honor at the church he went to in Glen Oaks. It was a Catholic tradition, according to Kathy, so there they were: the detectives, Melinda, Casey, Alex, Elliot's children, Bernie and Kathy. At one moment, during the mass, the kids went up to the altar and talked about their father. As his widow, it was Olivia's turn when they were done. Since divorce is a sin, Elliot and Olivia didn't have a religious ceremony for their wedding, but being a friend of the groom Father Dennis Frysson had agreed to bless their union. He knew how much it meant to Elliot.

During her speech, Olivia didn't mention the romantic side of their relationship explicitly, but she knew the diamond ring on her finger said everything for itself. She didn't care, though; again, there wasn't a relationship to be hidden now.

When the mass was over, all Olivia wanted was to leave quickly, but she had to wait: it seemed like everyone wished to give her their condolences. About forty-five minutes had passed when she finally managed to get out. She drove to her apartment, ran upstairs and was already crying when she closed the door. She leaned her back on it and slid to the floor sobbing loudly. After several minutes, Olivia calmed down, stood up and walked to the kitchen. Fighting the urge to have something a lot stronger, she opened the freezer and took the Strawberry-Cheesecake-flavored Häagen-Dazs Elliot had bought the last time he went to the grocery store and a spoon from the drawer, and walked to her bedroom, lying down on the bed. People say ice cream can numb a broken heart, so she decided to see how much of that was actually true.

She had had half of the content when her bell buzzed. She groaned, putting the pot on the nightstand, and went to answer it.

- Who is it?

- Liv, it's us – Maureen's voice answered. – Please, let us in.

Olivia sighed. Fuck. It's not the way she'd pictured the talk to the Stabler kids. Hell, she didn't even think they would come to her this soon, but now she had no choice. She pressed the button that opened the door downstairs, walked to her bedroom, took the ice cream pot and put it back on the freezer. She then heard the kids knocking on the door. When she opened it, all five of them ran inside, hugging her. That's when Olivia could no longer hold her tears and started sobbing. She understood, then, she shouldn't have pushed them away – in a way, they were her children too, and they were suffering a lot.

- I'm... Sorry... – She started saying after several minutes. – I'm so, so sorry... I should never have pushed you guys away. I should never have broken your family apart. I...

- No, Liv, no – Maureen said poignantly yet softly. – Don't go there. It's not your fault. You didn't sign the divorce papers: mom and dad did; you didn't shoot dad: Jenna did.

- But I'm his partner, I'm his wife, I should've protected him! – Olivia was now slightly angry at herself. - Jenna had already killed Sister Peg, she was going to kill someone else. She had lost her mother, she was an emotional wreck... – They walked and sat on the couch while she spoke.

- And you stopped her from hurting anyone else. We and Dad always knew this could happen and you behaved exactly the way he'd want you to – Kathleen stated. – He chose you over a victim once, and I'm _not_ blaming you for that, and he almost lost you.

Yeah, Olivia remembered that case. Actually, she didn't think she would ever forget it. Victor Paul Gitano, Ryan and Rebecca Clifford at the Grand Central Station. The perp tried to slice Olivia's throat, Elliot ran to her and Gitano killed the boy. Later, at the warehouse, he held a gun against Elliot's head and tried to talk Olivia into shooting him, but at the same time he terrified her with the possibility of him shooting – and killing – Elliot before the bullet even hit his head. The shrink at Rikers had said Gitano found people's weakness and played with it, and both Elliot and Olivia proved that the hardest way.

That was the first time Olivia admitted to herself she was in love with Elliot.

She had just found out she loved him, and he blamed her for Ryan's death in return. It hurt too much, and she couldn't stay. So she ran, because, like Elliot said a year later, "when love warps into hate, there's nothing you won't do", and she didn't want Elliot to hate her. Actually, she didn't think she could even stand such thing. So she left, and they hurt, then she returned, and then she left again.

- Please, Liv – Dickie said. – Don't push us away anymore.

- I won't, my dear – Olivia assured him, stroking his hair –, I won't. What about your mom? – She asked gingerly.

- She... Uh... She's with grandma. Because grandma is bipolar and all that stuff – Dickie answered. – I mean, she takes her meds, but sometimes she may freak out when she faces strong emotions.

- I see... But what I meant was, your mom, how is she?

- She's sad – Maureen said –, but mostly for us. Dad was special for her but they hadn't been in love for a long time. She just wishes she could stop us from suffering, and that Dad could have seen Eli grow up, though he will, in a way.

Olivia agreed. After all, believing _is_ seeing, she thought. On the other hand, she couldn't be less sure that there was such thing as God. Why would there be, she figured, if He had taken Elliot away from her and from many others who loved him as well?

With no answer, she just hugged the Stabler kids tightly and sighed.

"Help me, El. Help me."


	9. Chapter 9

_**A/N: Just a small one since I haven't updated this story for sooo long! I'm truly sorry for that, but I've had a few personal issues during this time, as well as the biggest writer's block in history, and I got to one conclusion: I have no clue what to do with this story now. Seriously. So if you have any ideas, anything you would like to see, PLEASE REVIEW AND TELL ME!  
I don't own Law & Order SVU or its characters. Doesn't Dick Wolf wants to sell them on an auction? The storyline is mine, though.**_

* * *

- Hey, Liv – Don called. –The DNA results from the Furrow case are ready, could you get them at the ME's?

Two weeks had passed since Elliot's death. They weren't getting any new cases for at least another two weeks in Manhattan SVU, but they still needed to close a couple of previous ones.

- Uh, can't it wait a few minutes, cap? Elliot will be here in any minute, he probably stopped somewhere to get us a cup of coffee, and it's his case, I'm sure he'll want to get these results himself – she said, gingerly, and gave her captain a small smile.

Cragen was taken aback by her answer, but he managed to disguise it.

- No, Liv, I'm sorry. We've already waited too long for this, we can't waste any more time.

Olivia nodded, got out of her chair and left.

* * *

- I don't know what to do, George.

- I know, Don.

- Did you see that? Did you hear what she just said to me?

- It's a normal reaction, Don, as much as it hurts. When we lose someone we love, sometimes it feels like this person has traveled, or is just busy somewhere else...

- Yeah, I get it, but... Why?

- It's not the most proper definition, but you can say it's a mind trick. Many people who lose somebody they love say they have this reaction; it's a way our brain finds to deal with our pain, ease it, maybe even numb it. It's all part of the healing process. Eventually, it may happen to you, Munch and Fin as well.

- Do you think so?

- I know so. Now you're all busy taking care of Liv and that's okay, but we all lost someone we held dear. We're just hiding our pain for Olivia's sake. Sooner or later, our feelings will come to surface and we'll have to deal with them.

Don sighed.

- Tucker wants me to start looking for a new detective.

- Don...

- I know what you're going to say, George, I don't think it's the best to be done now either but he says she needs time to get used to her new partner.

- He doesn't know it.

- He didn't, not until the funeral when she was wearing the wedding ring.

- But was he suspicious?

- Who wasn't? – Huang laughed lightly with the question.

- Fair enough.

**MEDICAL EXAMINER'S OFFICE**

- Hey, Mel. Cragen said you had the DNA results from Furrow case.

- Yeah, I do. That guy you were chasing? Not your perp. His DNA, however, is in the system. Edmund Richter, 31, arrested in Georgia back in 08 for burglary.

- Great, I'll have a unit pick him up. Is that all?

- No, not really Liv – Melinda said gingerly, suddenly feeling extremely uncomfortable. – I've got El's autopsy results back, and yeah, I know it sounds stupid since we were all there... But I need you to sign it for me.

- El's... Autopsy... Results?

- Yeah, they're actually due to a month after the... – Her tone remained very soft. – But there wasn't really much to examine, so I pulled a few strings.

- And you need me to sign them because...?

- Well, you're his next of kin so I figured you would...

Olivia suddenly realized what Melinda was talking about and struggled to hold the tears back.

- Yes, Mel, of course. Where do I have to sign?

The doctor gave her an envelope and a piece of paper where Olivia scribbled her name, and the detective left quickly.

**SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT SQUAD ROOM**

Olivia got into her captain's office quickly.

- Uh, the results came back... It wasn't our guy but he was in the system...

Cragen eyed the white envelope in her hands.

- I'll have Munch and Fin get him, if you have no objections.

- No, I don't – she turned towards the door.

- And Liv?

- Yes, sir?

- Go upstairs and try to have some rest.

- I will – she said, almost losing the battle against her tears. – Thanks, cap.

She ran out of the office.

_**A/N: Please don't forget to tell me any ideas you have! I hope you guys like it!**_


	10. Chapter 10

_**A/N: I am sorry that this chapter took so long! There was a lot going on, that's all... I wanted to upload a new chapter before my final exams on college started, but I couldn't. Now, though, I'm on vacation, so here I am.  
Law & Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The rest is mine.**_

* * *

Olivia walked into the squad room and greeted Munch and Fin as always, but stopped on her tracks when she spotted a Latino-looking man on his mid-thirties sitting on the desk that once belonged to Brian Cassidy. At that moment, Cragen opened his office's door.

- Olivia, a word, please?

- So who's the new guy? – She asked once her captain had closed the door behind her.

- That's detective Nicholas Amaro, transferred from Narcotics. When this unit comes back to working at its normal, he'll be your new partner.

Olivia suddenly felt unable to fill her lungs with air.

- I don't... Want... Elliot has just...

- I know, Liv – Cragen said softly, his heart going out for his detective's grief. – It wasn't up to me. I'm really sorry. I had no choice.

Olivia nodded, showing she understood.

- I want the day off – she said. – God knows I have plenty of them.

- All yours. Go.

With that answer, Olivia practically ran out of the station.

- Wow. What was that all about? Do you think she's okay? – Nick asked after Olivia had left.

- Detective Benson took the day off. She's been having a rough time these past weeks, detective Amaro. As you've probably heard, we've lost a detective not even a month ago and he was detective Benson's partner. I hope you can at least try to understand what she's going through even if you don't know how it feels.

- Yes, of course, captain. I'm sorry. If I had known, I would have waited...

- Not your fault – Cragen interrupted him kindly.

* * *

- I don't know what to do, El.

Olivia was sitting in front of Elliot's grave. She had bought him a bouquet of yellow roses. Not only they were his favorite, but he had read somewhere that yellow roses meant eternal love, so he would buy Olivia at least a single one of these every chance he got. Even when he gave her different flowers or an actual gift, a yellow rose would always come along.

- I don't want a new partner. I can't stand the thought of having somebody else sitting at your desk. I don't want to have to clean it up. I can't handle it.

Elliot's tombstone was made of white granite. It had his name on it, as well as the days of his birth and death and a picture of him in black and white.

- I just... I wish I never had to live without you. Like, ever.

Olivia didn't even know if she believed Elliot could actually hear her – though while he was alive he seemed pretty convinced about it –, but it felt good to let it all out and cry without fear. She could always be herself with Elliot, even if it meant talking to a rock.

- No matter how many people I meet, no matter how many friends I have, it will always be you. It has been you for the last twelve years. And that hurts. That fucking hurts, because you're not here. You were supposed to be by my side, but you'll never be. We were planning to have children, I was finally going to be a mommy, but now I will never be one.

The weather was cool, neither too warm nor too cold, but the sun was hidden behind white clouds that seemed to be made of cotton candy, painting the sky a very light gray.

- So yes, I'm alone now. Again. I'm alone, just like I've been my whole life until that fateful day twelve years ago when this dream started, when _my_ dream started. Because that's what you were, El. You were my dream. The best of all. Bad thing about dreams is, one moment or another we have to wake up.

* * *

_**A/N: A short one just for me to get warmed up again, it's been a long time since I last wrote a chapter for this story. Please read and review!**_


	11. Chapter 11

_**A/N: Happy New Year! I hope everyone had amazing holidays. I'm so sorry it took me forever to update, but I'm here now! I hope you guys still are, too.  
Law & Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. Anything you see in this story that isn't part of the series, all mine.**_

* * *

- I am _not_ overreacting.

- Nobody said you were.

- Stop talking to me like a shrink.

- Sorry.

Olivia sighed.

- No... I'm the one who's sorry. It's okay. He can sit in front of me.

- No, he can't, not yet. You can take your time. It's not his desk that makes him your partner.

- It's a tradition. And it's easier.

- It's a stupid thing.

- I can move my stuff instead.

- If and when you want to. I still think it's just a stupid thing – Don said in a fatherly manner.

- You really need to stop doing that – Olivia said, sounding a little happier.

- Doing what?

- Finding excuses for how I've been acting.

- Liv, this is not true, this is not what I am doing. Before all of this had happened, I used to think it was all lame excuses for things that wouldn't usually happen. I had never seen a detective fall, not as a captain and not anyone from the squads I belonged to while I was there. I didn't understand it back then, but I do now. I've seen cops from other units pass away, and some of their partners just flipped and stayed like that forever, because of being partners for so long, and I dare to think only one or two couples had a relationship the way you and Elliot did. I didn't understand how captains would let some things happen back then, but I do now. I let these things happen because I'm in pain, and so were they. So are you.

Olivia listened to all of it, not able to form words.

- So no, Liv. Despite what you may think, I'm not finding excuses for your behavior. It's just that, it's all new for me too. But one thing I have to ask you, Liv. When the time is due, as much as you think you can, please let Nick in. I'm not asking you to be BFFs, but please just... Just try to be civil with him. For the sake of both your job and his – Don said kindly.

- I... I can try that. I _will_ try.

- Very good. But now you should get going, or you'll be late for your session with Dr. Crais and we don't want that, do we?

- No, sir. Bye, cap, thank you.

- You're welcome, sweetie.

Olivia left and Don sighed.

* * *

- Hello, Olivia. How are you today? – Dr. Crais smiled.

- A little better, I guess. Or maybe not – Olivia sighed. – I don't know.

- So tell me, how has your day been so far?

- I went to check some information with a witness from this case we're working on. When I came back to the squad, I found Nick sitting on the desk in front of mine.

- Which used to be Elliot's, right?

Olivia nodded.

- His stuff is still there and everything. I haven't packed it. Nick was just sitting on his chair, he didn't even touch or move anything, but I freaked out.

"– _Detective Amaro, care to tell me what you're doing there instead of your own desk? – Her voice was vicious._

_Nick quickly stood up._

_- Nothing, I was just waiting for you, I need to ask you something about the case._

_- Oh, and you couldn't sit at your own desk to wait for me, could you?_

_- I'm sorry, Liv, I thought there was no problem..._

_- COULD YOU OR NOT?_

_- Yes, I could, I'm sorry._

_- Then get out of here!_

_Cragen opened his office's door._

_- Olivia, a word, please? Nick, you can talk to her later, please return to your desk._

_- Sure, captain, I'm sorry."_

- He said he was sorry at least ten times after I left Cragen's office. I probably sounded like a spoiled child. No, not probably; I know I did.

- You had your reasons.

- I was just terrified. I thought that Nick had thrown all of Elliot's belongings away and... – She started crying. – I thought he had thrown everything away without asking me and I got desperate because if he had asked the answer would be 'no, you can't, there are some things there I want to keep', I didn't want to lose all of his memories...

- Of course you didn't, Olivia. This guy, Nick, he knows why he was invited to join SVU, right? He's up to date with the... recent events concerning the 1-6?

- Yes, he is. He knows Elliot... He knows about Elliot. Who doesn't? It was all over the newspapers.

- Then if he knows what you guys have been through, he understands your reactions.

- He didn't know we were...

- It doesn't matter. Romantically involved or not, you were partners for twelve years. That's six times the average for SVU, from what you told me, right?

- Yeah, what can I tell you, Benson and Stabler worked magic together. Now I'll be shining on my own – she answered sadly.

- Elliot is proud of you.

- You really think so? – Olivia asked, a smile forming on her face.

- I know so.

The rest of the session and the day passed by quickly and, before Olivia could realize it, it was time to go to bed. She laid down under her covers and looked at the calendar on top of her nightstand.

- Happy birthday, El – she whispered before closing her eyes.

* * *

_**A/N: I hope you like it; please review!**_


	12. Chapter 12

_**A/N: Part 1 of 2. Okay, so, I was going to say that I have no idea what to do with this story, but I apparently had a surge of inspiration while writing this chapter. Go figure. I take suggestions, though **____**  
Storyline is mine. The characters and Law & Order SVU belong to Dick Wolf.**_

A few weeks had passed. Waking up to an empty bed made Olivia's heart grow heavier every day. She didn't think she could take it any longer. She stopped at the Starbucks that was closer to the precinct to grab a coffee so she could take her pills – the tranquilizers she used to take back then when she suffered from PTSD after being attacked by Lowell Harris while undercover in Sealview. She had kept the prescription for some reason, and now it was being put to good use. Not wanting Cragen or any of the other detectives bothering her for being back on meds without seeing a doctor first, Olivia hid it from everyone at work, especially her nosy new excuse for a partner, Nicholas Amaro. I mean, please. He needed to stop trying to act like Elliot or she wouldn't think twice about punching him in the face. People – meaning Ed Tucker, that asshole – would argue that he was just behaving like a partner, but she knew it was all bullshit – she didn't see _Munch and Fin_ treating each other the way Amaro treated her. She pushed away the thought that maybe it was because Munch and Fin were both men and partners of the opposite sex had a... Different kind of relationship.

Hiding the white box inside her pocket, Olivia walked into the building and walked towards the elevator. She ran into the first one that was available when she saw a guy who, if it wasn't Amaro, could pass for his twin brother walking inside. Yes, she was avoiding him that much, maybe that way he would get a grip and leave her alone. To her huge surprise, though, she walked inside the Special Victims Unit squad room to find a cup of coffee resting on top of her desk.

- Morning, Liv – a Latino looking man said, getting in her vision field – I thought maybe I could buy your coffee today. I hope that was okay.

- Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Olivia walked to her desk and sat down. Cragen watched the whole scene from inside his office and sighed, helpless. He wondered whether he should call Huang when his phone rang,

- Cragen – he answered it. – Yes, we'll be right there – He got out of his room. – The suspect on Rosalie Gilles' case is holding her hostage at her own house. All four of you, go.

The detectives stood up, grabbed their coats and left. When they got to the victim's house, a patrol officer came to talk to them.

- Detectives – he saluted them. – Your suspect is inside and, last time we saw him through the windows, he was holding a gun to your victim's head.

- How was she? – Olivia asked.

- Pretty disturbed, but physically fine.

- And how long ago was that?

- 'Bout ten minutes.

Fin's cell phone rang.

- Tutuola. Hey, Mel, what's up? No, we can't, sorry, suspect has made a hostage of our victim and we're all at her place now. Yeah, that one. What? You kidding me? No wonder he's a wreck. I'll let everyone know, thank you – he finished the call. – Guys, you're not gonna believe this – he said while walking towards the other detectives, but then stopped on his tracks. – Where's Liv?

- She's right... – Nick turned towards the officer who had talked to them. – She was over there! Where'd she go?

- She went inside – the cop said. – She didn't even wait for us to get a bulletproof vest. I told her it was dangerous but she didn't care.

- Well that's great! – Fin said bitterly. – How am I supposed to tell her now that our suspect didn't do it?

- How d'ya know? – Munch asked him.

- Melinda just called. His DNA didn't match, and someone in CSU found a picture of him leaving the bank right at the time Rosalie was raped.

- I'll go in there and get Liv – Nick said.

- No, you stay right here, Amaro – Fin interrupted him. – I'll do it.

After putting a vest on and getting one for Olivia, Fin walked inside the house carefully.

- Robert? – He called out. – Liv? Rosalie?

- Don't get in here! – The man yelled from upstairs.

- Robert, it's detective Tutuola. I don't have my gun with me, can I come up? – He asked, already taking a few steps upstairs.

- No gun?

- No gun, you can see it for yourself. Can I come up?

- Yes.

Fin went upstairs quickly and got into Rosalie's bedroom with both his hands up.

- What is it? – Robert pointed to the blue NYPD vest on his right hand.

- It's a bulletproof vest, Robert – Fin looked at Olivia. – It seems like detective Benson here forgot to get her one.

He handed it to Olivia, who was sitting on the edge of the bed, but she kept it on her lap. One look at Fin, and she understood why he was there.

- Look, Robert, I'm sorry for all of this – she started talking. – The whole unit is. We know you didn't do this.

- What? – A very distraught Robert asked, aiming his gun at her.

She didn't even blink.

- The reason detective Tutuola is here is because our medical examiner came back with the DNA results on Rosalie's rape kit. We know it wasn't you and we apologize. Your DNA didn't match.

- I told you. I told you! – Robert yelled.

- I know, Robert, and I can't tell you how sorry we are. Now, just give detective Tutuola your gun and we can walk out as if it had never happened. The DA's office can offer you a deal on kidnapping Rosalie, maybe you don't even have to serve any time in jail. Give him the gun, and we can walk out of here. You can use me as a shield if you want to.

Robert threw his gun at Fin and grabbed Olivia's right arm slowly. She still wasn't wearing the vest Fin had given her – she held it in her left hand as she stood up. Rosalie and Fin walked in front of them and, slowly, the four people walked outside the house.

After Rosalie had calmed down and Robert was sent back to the stationhouse, the detectives gathered together again, each with their respective partner.

Olivia sighed when she saw Nick walking towards her. He looked very annoyed.

- Next time you wanna play the hero you might want to at least wear a vest.

- Oh, don't start with me. My life was in no danger.

- That's what you think.

- Amaro, I've been an SVU detective for 13 years now. And before that I was a patrol who faced numerous difficult situations. I can handle a disturbed innocent man.

- You could've warned your partner, at least. That's what cops do.

- Here's the thing, detective. I don't have a partner. He's buried six feet under.

- _I'm_ your partner now! – Nick yelled.

- NO, YOU'RE NOT! – She screamed back. – You couldn't take Narcotics anymore so you just turned into a wannabe special detective. I don't even know what you're still doing at our precinct.

After several moments of silence, he spoke.

- Look, Liv, I'm...

- Don't bother, detective. I'll ride with Munch and Fin.

With these words, she left.

_**A/N: I hope you guys liked it. And, yeah, I'm making Nick kind of a jerk on purpose – I'm showing him the way Liv sees it, that's why. Part 2 shall be up soon. Meanwhile, please review!**_


	13. Chapter 13

_**A/N: Thank you for your reviews **__** So here's part 2! I hope everyone likes it.  
Dick Wolf owns them. Raise your hand if you think us E/O shippers should collect the money and buy them \o/**_

* * *

- You were out of line today from what I've heard, Liv – Cragen said softly yet poignantly.

- No I wasn't.

- You put yourself in a dangerous situation without any kind of protection beyond your gun.

- It wasn't... Dangerous.

Cragen chuckled.

- Possession of a deadly weapon plus emotional disturbance makes danger for me, Liv – his voice remained soft.

Olivia laughed.

- What's so funny, Liv? – Cragen asked, relieved to see her beautiful smile.

- I don't know, I'm just... I'm just happy.

- And why's that?

- I don't know, I just... I just am. I guess it's because we stopped an innocent man from going to jail and committing a murder today. I mean, isn't it great?

- Yes, it is.

They did it on a daily basis, though, Cragen thought. It was unfortunately usual that a victim first accused someone who was later found innocent by DNA or other evidences. He didn't say a word to Olivia, though. Every second she spent smiling was a second she wasn't feeling miserable.

- So, cap... Uh... Is that all?

- Yeah, yeah, you can go home. Please ask Nick to come in when you leave.

- Sure – she said and left.

Not even a minute later, Nick Amaro walked in.

- Look, captain, she's... She needs help.

- She's already getting help, detective. But it takes time.

Silence.

After what seemed several minutes, Cragen spoke again.

- You know, for the last twelve years, all I had to do was hand them the case, sit back and watch them work their own magic. All four of them, it didn't matter whether it was between partners or if the whole unit got involved. I can count the cases in which I took a participating role during the investigation. They were like a whole living organism, and for the last twelve years our case-closing rates overcame Bronx, Queens and Brooklyn's all added. It was heaven, in some ways. So it's hard on all of us, Nick, especially on Olivia. Elliot was, as I already told you, her partner and...

- Were they in a relationship outside the job? – Nick interrupted him.

Cragen sighed.

- Answering that question is not up to me, detective, but many people believed so.

- Is that a yes?

- No, that's a "you should try to ask her". Olivia can explain it better than anyone, and maybe an explanation straight from the source is what will make you understand.

- I do understand it, cap...

- I don't think so. Have you ever seen a detective die?

- No. At Narcotics we usually left either because we simply wanted out or because our cover had been blown by the dealers, and you can't say Warrants is exactly a dangerous unit.

- Then I'm afraid it'll be even harder for you to get it, but when the time is due you'll learn why the average time for a detective to stay in SVU is two years and why one of my detectives has left on their own will yet.

- Really? None of them?

- The last one was twelve years ago, about six months after Benson joined us. He transferred to Narcotics, you might know him: Brian Cassidy.

- Yeah, he said he had... Personal issues.

- In this unit, it's not just about the job. You don't go home, have a beer and just forget about it. Do you remember all the victims in Narcotics?

- Uh... No – Nick admitted. – After some time all drug addicts start to look the same.

- In SVU, we don't have this luxury. Every victim has a different weakness, every perp has a particular disgusting feature, any child can remind you of your son or daughter, any victim can become you or someone you hold dear. There's a reason for it to be called _Special Victims_ Unit; rape victims, women in an abusive marriage, neglected children, they' re all emotionally shattered and sometimes they end up bonding with the detectives. How many hands haven't they held during rape kits? How many children haven't they helped before or during trial, or played with while getting a statement? Soon it's not only about the job, it's a part of you – Nick remained dead silent. – It's your own conscience, your own heart begging you to go out there and fight your hardest to bring these people justice because what they've been through was bad enough. It's sort of a drug, I guess. Soon the precinct feels like home, and the people who share all of these feelings with you, they become your family, even if you already have one like Elliot, Fin, and now you.

- Liv does not...

- Again, it's not up to me to tell you why, but no. She has no one, and that's what makes everything so much harder. Elliot, as her best friend, was the closest thing she had to an actual family. He took care of her when she was sick, he looked out for her while on duty, and when things got rough at home he ran to her and crashed on her couch. He mortgaged his family's house once in order to get her out of jail. She was innocent, despite all the evidence against her, and when she said she didn't do it Elliot was the only one with no doubts about it whatsoever.

- Wow.

- Yeah. So, on her behalf I'd like to apologize to you and ask you to please try to understand. It'll take time, but she'll come around. And please, for your own safety, think twice before acting on your partner instinct again. I know you only do it to protect her, but from what I've seen and heard your behavior reminds her an awful lot of Elliot, which only makes her shut you off.

- Will do, cap. But I have something to say. Liv. Is not. Okay. There's something wrong with her besides the grieving process, and I say that as a former Narcotics detective. I just can't put my finger on it with certainty, though, but I know it's not just sulking. Coke and marijuana are not the only drugs I fought, cap – he added in a meaningful tone.

Cragen sighed.

- What should I do?

- You told me you have a doctor helping you out here in the unit... – It was more like a question.

- Yes, doctor Huang, he's from FBI.

- Bring him here. Let him watch Liv. She acts weird all day and it's been a few days now. I know he'll know exactly what's going on with her.

- Will do. Thanks, Nick.

* * *

_**A/N: I can't decide whether it's good or bad when your partner is a former Narcotics detective. Can you?  
As I wrote it, this chapter developed in a different way than I had first planned it to, but I didn't want to give away Liv's situation that soon. We will have a few more... symptoms showing up before the team finds out what's wrong. Please review!**_


	14. Chapter 14

_**A/N: It took me decades, I know, I know, I'm very sorry. College started yesterday. It's not like anyone has asked, but I'll tell you anyway: I go to Law School; I'm on 2**__**nd**__** year now. Just an advice: this chapter might be a little confusing in the beginning but as it unfolds everything gets clear!  
Law & Order SVU and its characters belong to Mr. Dick –I mean, Mr. Wolf.**_

* * *

Olivia walked into the squad room wearing a jacket.

- Wow guys, aren't you cold? – She asked, looking at her coworkers with wide brown eyes.

- Uh, no, Liv, actually not – Munch answered, looking at her weirdly. – It's like 77 degrees out there and it's sunny.

- Oh, well, I guess it's me then... – She sat down. – Hey, Fin, you need to give me the file of Banks case.

- No, I don't. I gave those to you yesterday, Liv.

- No, you didn't.

- Yes, I did.

- No, you didn't! Stop making fun of me, Odafin!

- I'm not making fun of you, Liv, I swear. I gave you the file and you took it home.

Olivia blinked.

- Oh. I remember that now. Sorry, Fin.

- It's okay, Baby Girl.

* * *

- What did you just say?

- What? – Nick's head popped up.

He and Olivia were the only detectives at the precinct; Munch and Fin had gone to a suspect's house to talk about his alibi.

- Could you please repeat what you said?

Since the incident at Rosalie's house, Olivia was doing her best to be polite towards Nick, because she could see he was also doing his best trying not to be a dick. Not that it was exactly working, but he was trying and she appreciated that.

- Oh, it was nothing important, really. I was just thinking out loud – Nick lied. He hadn't said a word.

* * *

Everyone was busy at their desks doing paperwork. The squad room was quiet until Olivia looked up from her desk, screamed at the top of her lungs and jumped out of her chair, hiding her face behind her hands. She started crying.

- Hey, Hey, Liv, what's wrong? – Fin rushed to her side and held her.

Thinking Olivia was hurt, Cragen rushed his office's door open – it had been a blood-curling scream. When he saw Fin had already got her, he just stood against the doorway and watched the detectives.

- I-it's Elliot, Fin, why didn't they take him away yet? Why did you even take me back here, there's blood everywhere! – She cried.

- Shh, Liv, it's okay, there's nothing wrong, look, there's nothing over there – Fin said in a soothing manner while rubbing her back. – It's okay, Baby Girl. Shh.

Olivia uncovered her eyes, still wide in terror, and looked at the desk in front of hers. Clean, except for all the stuff resting on top of it that she hadn't had the heart to put away yet. There wasn't a single drop of blood or any signs of Elliot's body on the floor either. Munch approached her offering a glass of water, which she gladly accepted.

- I... I'm sorry, it's just that... Everything was so real – she said, taking deep breaths to try to stop sobbing.

When she finally calmed down, Cragen looked at Nick, who gave him a meaningful look. Sighing, the captain closed his office's door and picked up the phone.

* * *

- When she arrived she said she was cold even though the sun was already out and about and the spring is almost over. And then she asked Fin for a file he gave her yesterday, though she insisted he didn't; when we were all doing paperwork and she suddenly started screaming and crying, saying that there was blood all over the floor and that Elliot's body was still here when actually it's been a month since we buried him.

- Earlier today, we were alone for some time, I hadn't said a word and she asked me to repeat whatever I had said. And finally, yesterday a suspect was holding a victim hostage at her own house, he had a gun to the victim's head and Olivia ran into the house not even bothering to wear a bulletproof vest – Nick continued where Munch had left off. – When I confronted her about it later, she said there was no danger.

- Then when I talked to her about it she laughed uncontrollably, just because we saved an innocent man from jail. And she's been more hostile towards Nick than towards our perps – Cragen finished.

- Okay so she has amnesia, hallucinations, hypothermia, she misjudges dangerous situations, she's euphoric for no reason and her hostility seems to be at its most powerful. Is that all?

- "All"? Isn't that enough, doc? – A very worried Fin asked.

- Of course it is Fin, but most of the medications for psychological disorders have similar side effects; sometimes one single symptom can distinguish one substance from another – George Huang explained.

- So what's your verdict? – Cragen asked.

- I'll double check this information, but it appears that Liv's been taking excessive doses of Benzodiazepine, found in drugs such as Temazepam, Diazepam which you may know as Valium, and others that treat anxiety disorders and PTSD. I'll check it out with Dr. Crais if she has recommended any kind of medication to Liv and tell her what's going on; if she's responsible for this she'll ask Liv to take a different one with a lower percentage of Benzodiazepine, or find an alternative.

- And what if she isn't and Liv's taking this crap on her own? – Fin asked. He remembered she used to take pills back then after Lowell Harris attacked her at Sealview.

- Then we have a problem. A big one.

* * *

_**A/N: I hope you liked it, please review!  
Fun fact: I was going to send my CV to an attorney's office, but I wasn't really paying attention to what I was doing and, instead, I sent this chapter by accident.**_


	15. Chapter 15

_**A/N: I'm awed. Less than an hour after I uploaded last chapter there were many reviews already! I'm glad you liked it so much.  
SVULover99 and anyone else who was curious – a woman from the attorney's office called me today! I'm gonna go there for an interview on Monday afternoon, wish me luck! **__**  
Law & Order SVU and its characters aren't mine, I just borrowed them.**_

* * *

- Dr. Huang, what brings you here?

- Call me George, Dr. Crais, and I'm here to talk about Olivia.

- George, as much as we are professional colleagues with a common interest you know I cannot tell you anything Olivia told me without having her permission first and foremost...

- Oh, no, don't worry; I'm not really interested in your appointments. It's just that Liv's been acting weird lately, but it's not like a traumatized weird, and I was wondering if maybe you recommended that she took some kind of medicine and her strange behavior is due to side effects.

- I'll double check it just in case, but I'm 99.9% sure I didn't... – The female doctor took a look at Olivia's file. – Yeah, no, I didn't. Since this kind of drug is extremely addictive, I have this policy to only recommend medication to extreme cases, which is not Olivia's situation: she's in an awful place, I don't deny that, but time and talking will bring her back to where she was before, maybe even better. I'm sorry, I can't help you, George, but what did you think she was taking?

- Benzodiazepine.

* * *

- Well, isn't that terrific – Cragen said bitterly.

- So what do we do now? – Nick asked. – She's clearly addicted to whatever it is that she's taking.

- Maybe we should take a look at her stuff first before making possibly false allegations, Nick – Munch said, not wanting to believe Amaro's statement. – Maybe she's just in a bad place like the doctor said.

- "Take a look at her stuff"? What, do you think we should get a warrant also? – Nick spat. – We've made enough excuses for her behavior, she'll destroy herself if we don't stop it a-sap.

- Gee, no wonder why Liv hates you – Munch mumbled.

Nick heard him and got out of his chair; so did Cragen.

- That's enough, detectives – he said, his voice firm. – We already have plenty of mess to deal with, I don't need the two of you fighting to add to it.

- I'm sorry, cap – Nick said and sat back down.

- Elliot would know what to do – Munch mumbled. – They were soul mates in many different ways.

- If your dear Elliot was here, then _I_ wouldn't be – Nick spat back, letting John know he had heard him.

- You hurt her! Can't you see that?

- I said that's enough, detectives, and I won't repeat it. Shut the hell up or you're both suspended – he then turned to Huang. – Doc, what's your suggestion?

- I think checking her locker will do no harm. She knows what she's doing is wrong, if we ask her about it she will simply deny it, but if we have evidence then she has nowhere to run.

- Fine, but what if we find nothing? – Fin asked.

- We will – Huang assured. – Benzodiazepine fights PTSD and anxiety disorders in general, usually caused by traumatic events; everyone who has known Liv and Elliot for the last years can vouch that losing each other would be rather traumatic for them. Looking at all his belongings, living a routine that also used to be his... – The doctor shook his head. – I doubt that, in her current state of mind, she doesn't have secret stashes for emergencies.

- Besides, if she's buying this stuff without prescription, it means someone is selling it and a crime is being committed – Munch added.

- Good enough for me – Cragen says. He opens a drawer, pulls out a key and gives it to Nick.

The five men head to the locker room and open Olivia's locker. They rummage through clothes, headache and stomachache pills, a purse, a small box containing bullets for her weapon, some make-up cases... It isn't until Fin decides to turn her shoes upside down that they find anything. A box of Xanax falls to the floor and the men exchange glances in silence.

This was bad.

* * *

_**A/N: A short chapter, but it was more of a fill-in one.  
I keep making an asshole of Nick, I simply can't help it. But I actually like him on the show, despite the fact that he took Elliot's place. Up next: they talk to Liv! Please review!**_


	16. Chapter 16

_**A/N: I'm so sorry it took me this long to come back here! My classes started and then there was Carnaval and then the attorney's office called me back again to hire me and... Well, long story short, my life's been a mess these last few days.  
I uploaded a new fic a few days ago, it's called "Love Soundtrack". If you're interested, take a moment to check it out later :)  
Law & Order SVU and its characters aren't mine, but you'd know that.**_

Cragen's head appeared from behind the door.

- Olivia? – He called. – A word, please?

- Where's everyone, cap? – She asked, getting out of her chair and walking towards the captain's office.

She needed no answer when she walked in.

George Huang was also there.

This couldn't be any good.

- Please, have a sit, Liv.

She complied, still looking around at the men surrounding her and fidgeting the end of the long sleeves of the shirt she was wearing. Seeing she was uncomfortable, Cragen made a decision.

- You can walk out now, detectives.

The three men obeyed him and closed the door behind them. Now it was just her, the captain and Dr. Huang.

- Is anything wrong, cap?

- I'm afraid so, Liv – he said softly, and then looked at Huang.

- Liv, we... Uh... How are you dealing with everything that's happened lately? – The shrink started. – I mean, yes, obviously you're hurt bad, what I mean is, how are you dealing with this pain? Are you doing anything to ease it?

"What are they talking about? Do they know anything?", Olivia thought, terrified. "Keep calm, Liv, keep calm and act like nothing's wrong".

- Oh, well, as you already know, I've been seeing Dr. Crais twice a week.

- Are you sure that's all?

- Yeah, why?

It was Cragen's turn to answer.

- We're worried about you, Liv.

She laughed bitterly.

- Yeah, well, who isn't? My shrink seems to believe I might jump out of a window or eat my gun anytime soon.

- It would be a reasonable reaction, Liv – Huang said. – You and Elliot were partners and best friends for twelve years, and you know you can't deny you had an affair, even though it was purely emotional, for a huge part of this time.

Olivia kept silent.

With a look from Huang that said "get to the point", Cragen started talking again.

- Which is why we thought that maybe you might be seeking comfort... Somewhere else.

"Okay, this isn't looking good. Breathe, Olivia, just breathe".

- What are you talking about? – She said, managing to fake a bitter chuckle.

Cragen took a deep breath.

- We know about the Xanax, Liv.

"Shit."

- Wait, what?

- Your anti-anxiety drugs, honey.

Olivia faked a laugh.

- Oh, yeah. Well. About that. I have a prescription. Dr. Crais...

- Told me she didn't recommend you any medication – Huang interrupted her.

That did it.

- YOU TALKED TO MY SHRINK? – Olivia screamed, standing up. – JUST BECAUSE I'M A POLICE OFFICER AND A WIDOW I DON'T HET THE RIGHT TO DOCTOR-PATIENT PRIVILEGE? IF I WANTED EVERYONE TO KNOW WHAT I FELT I WOULD TALK TO A DOCTOR ASSIGNED BY THE FORCE!

- Liv...

- NO, NO, DON'T DO THAT, DON'T YOU "LIV" ME, YOU DON'T... – her voice trailed off and she started crying and sobbing. – You don't know... You have no idea what it's like... What it feels...

Cragen's heart went out for his little girl's pain because he did know what it felt like – that's why he had started drinking. All he wanted to do was to tell George to get lost, but he knew he couldn't. Olivia needed help and that was all that mattered now. Elliot would've wanted him to take care of her.

- Liv, sweetie, listen to me.

The endearment caught her attention. At the office, Cragen was very professional.

- We're worried about you, Liv. You think you need extra help, that's fine with us, but we think you're taking a little too many. You don't feel it now, but sooner than you think you can get addicted and then it's going to be harder for you to get through it.

- A little too much? Is this because of Amaro?

- No, Liv. This is because of _you_, because we're worried about _you_. Amaro can deal with whatever. But since you mentioned it, I know he's been a prick Liv, but really, he doesn't mean it, just like you don't either. Actually he has no idea what to do to get through to you. He has never been in such situation before.

- I've tried my best not to be too hard on him... – Olivia said, wiping her nose with her hand gracelessly, but she couldn't care less.

- But you can't help it – Huang said –, because in your eyes, even if it's unconsciously, he's taking Elliot's place.

- Liv, I want to make sure you know that Elliot will never, ever, be forgotten. His seventeen years at NYPD, 15 of them at SVU, 12 of these with you, meant a contribution we will never be able to repay. Him not being... Physically between us anymore, doesn't mean we'll act like he doesn't matter. We're all on your side.

_**A/N: Forgive me if this is a little crappy at the end, I just didn't want to let you guys down on the weekend. Please review!**_


	17. Chapter 17

_**A/N: I'm so sorry it's been taking me so long to update! Work and college take all my time during the week and on the weekend I just want to sleep **__** But here I am now! I wrote the first part of this during my International Law classes which are so boring.  
Two weeks ago I saw a backstage picture of Chris Meloni, it'd be no big deal if it wasn't for Danny Pino standing right next to me. I freaked out, of course, but apparently it was something for The Joyful Heart Foundation.  
On the second part of this very chapter, the story starts to twist a little. It wasn't what I had in mind when I first started writing, but I got to a point where I didn't know where to go with it and so many of you were practically begging me to do it...  
Check the disclaimer on the previous chapter(s).**_

* * *

- How are you feeling today Olivia?

- Really?

- What's wrong?

- I know Dr. Huang came to talk to you about my medicine abuse and yet you ask me about my feelings?

- So do you want to talk about it?

- I know _you_ do.

- Your therapy sessions aren't about what I want, sweetie – Dr. Crais said gingerly.

- I just... – Olivia sighed. – It's just that... Everything hurts so much... I just wanted not to feel pain for a while.

Dr. Crais nodded.

- Everywhere I look, I see him. At work, at home... The few times I've been to crime scenes since the shooting, I'd remember what he did, what he said, the way he moved... I know it's not the best choice I could make, but I'm desperate – Olivia's eyes were now filled with tears. – I just wanted to stop hurting for a while – the detective blinked, allowing the tears to flow.

The young doctor didn't know what to say, so she simply stood up, tugged Olivia's hand so she did the same and then Dr. Crais hugged her.

- I don't know if I can do this, Jessica.

- I'm sure you can, Olivia, and I'm here to help you.

* * *

**SIX MONTHS LATER**

Time went by, and slowly Olivia started getting better. There was an almost imperceptible difference between the woman who watched Elliot's casket go down and the woman she was now – an outsider wouldn't be able to notice, but all of her coworkers and her therapist did.

One week ago she stopped biting Nick's head off every now and again, even though she still was a little rude all the time. Not that he cared – he understood. Two weeks before that, she only cried on special occasions, or after rough cases, or during PMS. One month before that, she stopped crying at all of her therapy sessions. Two weeks earlier she managed to walk into a church without breaking apart. Three weeks after everyone found out about the Xanax, she stopped taking it completely. Except for this last one, it wasn't anything big – she wasn't very religious to go to churches frequently, and which woman doesn't cry one day or another? But Dr. Crais had told her that the greatest victories most times were made of a lot of tiny ones, so she was as happy as she could be.

One day, she drove Nick home because his car was broken and the guys to who he sent the car so that it could be fixed hadn't done it yet. After dropping him off and playing with the little Zara for a while, Olivia was on her way home but decided to stop by on a coffee shop Nick had told her was really good.

She was sitting at a table, paying attention to everything and nothing at the same time when a pair of the most familiar blue eyes she had ever seen caught her attention.

Scared, Olivia quickly moved her head so some of her hair would fall over her eyes.

It couldn't be him.

Could it?

She would recognize those eyes anywhere.

But it could still be Dickie.

It had to be Dickie. Elliot was dead.

_You also thought Alex was dead._

But then...

"No. It can't be. God, I saw him. The casket was there at the squad room for everyone to see! I freaking kissed him goodbye!", Olivia thought. "Calm down, Olivia, maybe it's just someone who looks like him. A lot."

She couldn't live with the doubt. She tilted her head up just enough so she could check the man.

_Holy Mary, mother of God._

It could be his twin brother.

Olivia tried to calm down taking deep breaths like Jessica had taught her, but she felt like the air couldn't reach her lungs. Before she made a scene, she grabbed her coffee and ran outside.

* * *

_**A/N: A short one, but it's important that it's this way. If I made it longer, I'd have to cut a very important part of the story in two. Not cool. So that's it :) you know what to do already.**_


	18. Chapter 18

_**A/N: Thank you for reviewing! I'm sorry it's been so long, I know how frustrating the waiting is, but college and work took over :( I hope you guys like the way things turn out from now on!  
Not mine. I tried negotiating with Dick Wolf but, boy, the man is stubborn.**_

* * *

Olivia and Cragen were sitting at a café near the precinct.

- I think I'm going crazy.

- I seriously doubt that.

- I know what I saw. It wasn't someone who looked like Elliot, cap, it was the man himself!

- I believe you.

- You do? – Olivia asked hopefully, and Cragen nodded. – But then again, how? We identified his body. I _touched_ him. How can this be?

- I'm afraid I have no answer to that, Liv, but it doesn't stop me from believing you. My years on NYPD allowed me to see plenty of things that are somehow impossible or unbelievable.

Olivia sighed.

- Can I give you a suggestion, as a friend, but also as a cop?

- Sure – she nodded.

- You said you saw him near Nick's house?

- Yup.

- Go back there. Take a walk around the neighborhood. Different hours, different places... I'm sayin' this, Liv, because we have to be sure of what we believe before taking any further steps.

- Fine.

* * *

**ONE WEEK LATER**

- Three times in a week?

- Plus that first time before we talked. I saw him from a distance, but I'll bet three months of my pay on that,

Cragen sighed and stood up.

- I have a meeting at 1PP now, so you can use my computer. Ask for Morales' help if you need to crack into anything. FBI, CIA, WPP, other PD's, Google, don't forget any of his aliases. Find him – With those words, the captain left.

- I'll always find you, El – Olivia said softly.

* * *

**DETECTIVE ELLIOT STABLER** _(deceased)_

**Badge number:** 6313**  
Precinct:** Manhattan, 16th (Special Victims Unit)**  
Partners:** Detective Olivia Benson (12 years)  
Lieutenant Jo Marlowe (5 years)  
Detective Danielle Beck (temporary)  
Detective Lucius Blaine (temporary)  
**Aliases:** John Stillies, Frank Perez, Kyle Brent and two more.

* * *

FBI, as Olivia suspected, had nothing new on him; Elliot and the feds had never seen eye to eye. She chuckled when she remembered his many troubles with Dean Porter and Dana Lewis.

Things got weird when she tried accessing the CIA database, though. Usually, there would be a page with his name, position, badge number, and a link saying "Check the NYPD database for further info", but she found absolutely nothing. Suspicious, Olivia grabbed the phone and dialed the TARU number.

- Hello, Morales? It's Olivia Benson. I need your help.

* * *

- It's really weird, Liv.

- I know, why do you think I called you? It's like he never existed.

- That probably means there's something important about him. Keep trying his aliases on all the databases, I'll see if I can crack into the system.

- Fine.

- Hours later, Olivia was about to search one of Elliot's fake names on CIA when the phone rang.

- Captain Cragen's office, this is detective Benson.

- Liv, I did it. Hurry up, I don't know how long it'll last.

- Will do, thanks.

She hung up the phone and, once again, typed "Elliot Stabler" on the search box.

* * *

**SPECIAL AGENT ELLIOT STABLER**

**Badge number: **1845**  
Original department:** New York Police Department, Manhattan 16th (Special Victims Unit)**  
Aliases:** Jacob Arwin

Olivia typed the fake name on Google. When the results showed on Cragen's computer's screen, she passed out and fell to the floor.

* * *

_**A/N: I know it's short, but please review!**_


	19. Chapter 19

_**A/N: I tried to come as soon as I could. Yesterday I finally watched the season finale. It breaks my heart to say so, but this time I don't think Liv will be able to escape from her attack... And I also think the lawyer will die. But I think we'll see it all on the next season. Please review!  
Law & Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf.**_

* * *

- Just tell me again why we're doing this, will you?

- A favor from an old friend.

Nick banged on the door and yelled.

- NYPD!

Silence.

- Mr. Arwin, open the door! – Nick yelled again.

Still, there was no answer.

- Maybe he's not home.

- He is, we checked it. Put the door down – Olivia said.

- Do we have a warrant?

- Trust me – Olivia nodded and gave a small smile.

She didn't know whether she felt angry or sad. They had both been undercover before, why lie to her now? Why make her suffer like she did?

Just as Nick was about to kick the door, someone opened it.

- How can I help you?

- Jacob Arwin? – Olivia asked.

- No, he's busy, why? Is he in trouble? – The man looked worried.

- No, we just believe he might have witnessed a crime earlier today. Can we come in? – She asked.

- Sure – the man nodded, opening the door further.

- John, who is it? – Elliot's voice asked from down the hallway, making Olivia's breath hitch.

- It's the police, Jake. Probably about that suspicious-looking guy you saw earlier.

- I'll be right there.

While they waited a few minutes, Olivia looked around as if the fancy decoration was the most interesting thing she had ever seen.

- How can I help you?

- Mr. Arwin, hi, I'm Detective Amaro, this is my partner, Detective Benson, we believe you might have witnessed a crime today, can you tell us where you were at 10:30 AM?

- At the café across the street. The receipt says it was exactly... – He grabbed a piece of paper from the pocket of the coat that was hanging on a chair. – 10:31.

Olivia and Nick looked at each other and she started talking.

- Okay. Mr. Arwin, we're very sorry for bothering you, thank you for your time.

With those words, the detectives left.

* * *

- So?

Olivia sighed.

- It was him. Some guy named John was also there.

- Another CIA agent?

- No idea – Cragen nodded. – So what do we do now?

- As much as I hate it, we let it be.

- But captain...

- I know you want answers and so do I, but if we keep searching reasons to reach him, people might get suspicious. Keep in mind we have no idea who this other guy is or what Elliot is working on.

Olivia remained silent. She knew Cragen was right.

- I'm heading home – the captain stood up. – You should do the same, Liv; you've had a hard time these past couple days.

The detective nodded.

- I will, I just have to finish some DD5s.

- Great. Good night, Liv.

- Night, cap.

A few hours later, someone walked into the squad room.

- Excuse me, Detective Benson?

"Shit."

- Mr. Arwin, how can I help you?

- I think I know who your guy is.

- Excuse me?

- That crime you thought I had witnessed? I think I know who did it.

Olivia froze for a fraction of second, but managed to disguise it.

- You were across town at the time – she said poignantly.

- No, I wasn't. The coat was John's.

- Liar – Olivia muttered.

- I'm sorry, did you say anything? – Elliot asked, sitting on the chair that used to be his.

- No, it's just that we already closed that case. You know, different day, same hour, same place, same M.O., but this time he left DNA. Not that I should be discussing this with a civilian.

- I see.

Silence.

- You wanna know what I think? That you have no case at all, Detective.

- Unless you came here to make a complaint, Mr. Arwin, at this very moment I really don't – Olivia answered as she stood up, getting ready to leave.

Truth was, he couldn't be more right. She and Cragen had made up a story to give Nick an excuse.

- Liv... – Elliot stood up also.

- It's Detective Benson, Mr. Arwin, and if you don't have a crime to report I'll have to ask you to leave.


End file.
